Tova Chai

-A couple of hiking trips
-Get the canoe out from under the house
-At least one canoe trip
-Finish at least one book
-Read Shoemaker's papers
-Read Alber's papers
-Go to Java Monkey every sunday
-Whiten my teeth
-Work out
-Eat right
-Get smashed (at least once...)


If you want to join me on anything let me know or if you can think of anything else let me know

New hair cut! Look for pictures soon.

Shit I forgot about making my poster due at 5 today. I wonder how long it takes to get something printed at the library and in what format you have to do it?

I got a hundred on my first differential equations test AND my first thermodynamics test! What is that! I never thought that would happen here. But next week shall be my test:

Monday: german quiz, german speaking test, german journal due, modern physics test, classical mechanics homework due
Wednesday: Classical Mechanics Test (death!)
Thursday: Diff EQ Test
Friday: German Test

And I'll be in Mass. all weekend unable to do work.
We shall see.

Warning: there may be a smattering of posts from me today.

Fear building up,
Festering inside of me
Like this plastic...
Like this latex
Eating away at the walls of my insides
A bloating of the senses
A swelling of the eyes
My focus is gone
The lotus only able to see
This monster chewing on my innards
Leaving me barren and dry
Alone
Never to know my own
Never to hear that reassuring cry
Eaten away and left empt by the plastic monster

The classes I will be taking next semester:
German 2
Differential Equations
Introduction to Modern Physics
Thermodynamics
Classical Mechanics 1

And... hopefully undergraduate research with shoemaker!!!!!! Crossed fingers on that one.

It's like the first time again. He gives me butterflies and after he leaves I can't stop smiling. He's really has changed. He isn't so negative and he's that fun guy that I first fell for all the time. And that isn't to say that he's without fault but it's good.

Life is more vivd, more intense. Colors are true and have sharp clean edges. Everything is better defined but at the same time images flicker, bounce, and blur. Life is a series of contradictions.

I refuse to be like an abused wife
Always coming back because he "needs" me
Or because in some sick way
I am drawn to him and his problems

He tells me that he was horrible to me
And he promises me it won't be like that anymore
Didn't I say that I needed to see that he's changed
Is that what he just gave me?

But how many times before did he tell me
"I'm a terrible boyfriend
Please be patient with me
I'll be better."
And where did it go?
But spiral out of control

And has he actually changed at all?
Am I now cognizant of and tainted by his bullshit?
Sometimes when he talks
I just want to roll my eyes
Because that is just SO him
And he's trying too damn hard

A voice in me says you are better, move on
But he still sends shivers up my spine
And I just want to hold him in my arms and make it better
Like a mother kissing away a scraped knee

And he tells me things like
You were the first person I ever truly cared about
And that he is realizing he is just like
the John Butler Trio Song "Betterman"
Have you ever looked at the lyrics to that song?
No? Look them up.

Here actually I'll give them to you:
So betterman I am since I
Come into contact with you
And you taught so many things about myself
And you know this is true
But now we are apart and its all my fault
'Cos you know I need to be alone
Don't know myself
So why can I share me with you girl or anyone

Don't want to be a thorn in your side
Good woman
Always be the one
To make you cry
Don't wanna be that guy
Good woman

'Cause you deserve everything
And I got nothing so leave me
And I'll go away
Better off i stay
Far from you you you you you

'Cause you are beautiful

Beautiful woman

Now typical man
I am because you think
I want my cake and eat it too
'Cos say I can't be in no relationship
But I still feel for you
'Cos you are the greatest woman
This old man has ever met
You taught me about my soul
you shared with me your magic


I either still care for him fifty feet deep
Or he's easy and I'm confortable
He's still either head over heels for me
Or just needs someone to be with
Because he's scared

I refuse to be anyone's warm body.

If I were to make a movie
It would be something that you could only find at vision videos
And a vision to be seen.
And no one would pay blockbuster renal fees to see it.
I wouldn't.

It would be a surrealist vision of this summer
With close-ups on all of our faces
And our hands.
In fact, they would be extreme.
So close that you couldn't truly make out what they are.

Interspersed with these images would be a pile of mud,
And hands,
And a salmon jumping upstream,
And hands,
And a toy dinosaur attacking a woman,
And hands,
And a '60s beach party,
And...

Hands.
Hands moving in excited expression
Flying through the air like feathers.
Folded quietly in a solemn lap.
Brushing paper with their dance
And leaving a trail of words.
Reaching out for someone
Brushing hair out of their eyes.
Pressed against the floor holding a body upside down.
And inside out.
I did say surrealist, didn't I?

And the ending?
There would be no ending.
Perhaps the edge of straight lips
Curling into a smile.
The edge of an eye
Suddenly flowing with wrinkles.
Smile lines,
my favorite.
And once more a hand.
The final hand to be played.
It would be holding a camera,
The all remembering eye,
And it would reach straight out from the screen
And straight into your living room
Passing the buck to you.
Because this film was 5 for 5 and you need to get your moneys worth.

I LOVE Tech!
Did I mention I love Tech?
Because I abso-freaking-lutely love the Georgia Institute of Technology!